The Infinite Napkin

I’m sick again, laid up this last week with flu. I’ve watched a lot of tv. Sometimes the puking is the flu, and sometimes it’s…something else.

I’ve been watching ANDROMEDA–THE SERIES all morning and I am astonished at its badness. I survives entirely on the winning qualities of some of its cast and somehow survives at the hands of the rest. From the 8th grade sci-fi titles like “Chaos And The Stillness Of It” (“See, it’s deep, because most people think of chaos as this wild thing…”) , to the awful awful awful name-checking throughout (Andromeda, to an onrushing crowd of aggressors “These are not the droids you’re looking for.” Doyle “What was that?” Andromeda “I don’t know, but it didn’t work.”). Rule one with that stuff is: it can stick out like a sore thumb, but it’s gotta be funny. Please, be the least funny.

There are a lot of women who wear slinky stuff and beat people to a pulp, and that’s great. One alien even has deep cleavage that’s airbrushed to look like the sun rises from between her boobs. This is actually a poetic idea, but I suspect it’s a budget thing. A couple of actresses from the show, Lexa Doig and Lisa Ryder, were in the very-overlooked JASON X, another hilariously overwritten fanboy effort that had the director on the side of goodness and light for a change.

Hmm, the actress playing Doyle was a Penthouse Pet. Good thing Gene Roddenberry’s dead. Anyways, Kevin Sorbo, an actor who has always known his strengths and steers clear of his weaknesses, is good as always, and I suspect the show was originally sold on his charms. Still, There are moments to like, and I’m sure Canadian actors are happy for the dough (although I hear Canadian actors are making pay raise and union noises, so Romania’s Film Board may see a big spike in applications soon).

ANDROMEDA works best when you’re flipping around channels; mix it with a little ER rerun and a LAW AND ORDER spinoff and you can end up quite liking it. Watch it straight through and learn that one of the character’s races is called Nietzschean and how they’re really overbearing and…yeah you just wanna let the flu win. Bleh.

Gotta go barf.

What have I seen lately? Hmm…

STRANGER THAN FICTION–This is the movie I HEART HUCKABEES wanted to be, but was too consumed with its own deliberate strangeness to succeed at (David O Russell, can’t we have more like THREE KINGS, where the madness is propelled by actual human emotion?). It charms, delights, proves that Will Ferrell is also an amazing straight man.

A lot of spinning LPs. I’m “ripping” my record collection to mps with the kick-ass Ion USB phonograph. No more line noise for me, baby! Right now it’s…Doug Nichol…A Nichol’s Worth…Volume…Two. Yech, that makes me dizzy.

Saw THE SIEGE from 1998; got it as a 4 buck cheapie DVD at Wal-Mart. JOHN’S DVD BUYING RULE #1: If it costs less than the ticket to see it in the theater was, then why not?

Um, why doesn’t anyone bring this movie up these days? I picture Ed Zwick spending a few long hours getting grilled by swollen-eyed feds on 9/12/01 for this one. It’s got terror cells in New York City scaring the living shit out of everyone by blowing up all kinds of stuff, including One Federal Plaza. It’s got a government freaking out and declaring martial law in NYC. It’s got rendition and torture (including waterboarding). It even has a happy ending, one that frankly would make anyone even a little liberal need to change their pants, it’s so satisfying.

I can see people in 1998 looking at Bill Clinton and thinking “Wha? Martial law?”. Maybe the fact that it just kinda drifted by all of us proves how mentally unprepared the US’s citizens were for a shock like 9/11. Hang on a sec. I’m gonna go look up some reviews from the time it was released.

…

Hmm. The guy from THE NEW REPUBLIC said “Just about distinguishable from several dozen predecessors in the same apocalyptic vein.” What, like INVASION USA?

Peter Travers is pretty sensible about it: “It’s difficult to sustain a responsible subtext when you’re delivering the jolts required to keep butts in the seats.” This is a generic truth, though.

Ah, Salon.com…tell me what to think! “The Siege is clumsily put together. Zwick is careless about plot details, so the movie is often needlessly confusing.”

See, this is 1998. If THE SIEGE had come out in 2002 or 3 or 4…even now when I watch it it seems full of the sort of questions we’re especially worried about asking lately about TWOT (yes, I have decided to refer to the War On Terror as TWOT, and I shall pronounce it as if it’s almost a nasty world for female parts or the kind of leader who thinks the word “surge” is a confidence-builder; join me, won’t you? Try: “What kind of TWOT-obsessed fanatic thinks we should invade Iran?” Feels good.).

So there’s a good lesson in context for you. If you’ve ever watched GENTLEMAN’S AGREEMENT and wondered what the hell the deal was, go watch THE SIEGE now and try to remember when the premise itself was fantasy. Sometimes the power comes from context–sometimes you find the context and sometimes it finds you.