The Infinite Napkin

Saw this one with Will this last Sunday. Bo Svenson as a skier who suddenly became scared to ski after winning three medals at the ’68 Winter Olympics with Yvette Mimieux as what JEKYLL’s Mr. Hyde would call “Lois Lane with half a brain” and Clint Walker as the Sheriff? Can there be a carnival? A winter carnival? And a Queen? And how ’bout the plot to JAWS too?

Okay, and can the son of the ski resort owner (you know, the one with everything to lose by having a scare over a snowbeast) SHOUT ALL OF HIS IMPORTANT LINES?!?!? I mean shout; not project, not blurt BUT SHOUT THOSE MOTHERS LIKE HOT ROUTES!!!

This one was way better than TWISTER’S REVENGE, but I’ve left better stuff than that floating. There are awesome hot-comb man-do’s and frankly the most physically imposing trio of monster hunters I’ve seen since PREDATOR. Bo Svenson caressed Yvette Mimieux’s face and HER HEAD DISAPPEARED! When Bo Clint and the SHOUTING GUY go after the Snowbeast, I was feeling a little PETA about it. “They’ll tear the Snowbeast to Alpo!” I shrieked.

The Snowbeast suit is better than the Shaggy Dog number from SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED, but again…floating…in the…anyway.

This movie would have been on the AFI’s Hundred Greatest Bigfoot/Yeti Movies special if only they’d let one of these he-men duke it out with the Snowbeast. As it is, Legend of Boggy Creek is gonna keep then down forever.

I could not resist this. Its power holds me. A monster truck with a computer brain? The plot laid out in thirty seconds? Stupid rednecks who think they can pawn a monster truck’s computer brain?

Notes as I watch. So far: Plot, then LOTSA MONSTER TRUCK ACTION! First Blood! Kodiak! Banana Splits-style intercutting with people farting around on cheap carnival rides?

They can’t even afford to turn on the computer monitors. That’s how cheap this movie is. The cute girl with the teased ‘do taps away staring in 2/3 profile at…nothing.

One goon can’t get up and reconnoiter because he split his “paints”. Ah, the oscilloscope is on; Science warms the movie ever so slightly.

Uh oh…the truck is locked. Redneck foiled!

Twister is the monster truck that drives itself! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Aaaand now we know the answer to “How many rednecks does it take to get into a locked van?” More than three.

The guy playing like he has a learning disability comes off verrrrrry gay instead. Is there such a thing as Outsider Acting?

So we have a rich girl who does the computer stuff with a cowboy who drives a monster truck. They need a monkey. They’re making out on what looks like Grandma’s bed.

Hm. The Mill Creek Entertainment logo appears in the bottom right suddenly, like a screener does so’s you can’t copy it without effort. No stealing TWISTER’S REVENGE, people!

“Twister needs me?” She likes the truck more, cowboy.

Fifteen minutes? FIFteen minutes???

The new laugh line of the year is “Hey, you got change for a twenty?”

The most pointless chase in movie history unfolds before my eyes. Cars pass at casual speed through a neighborhood with radio chatter between the rednecks milking the humor out of not knowing where they are beyond any recognizable usability. Their redneck accents are falling into mock-noir accents.

Forget what I said eariler. “Unnnnh! My tiiiiire!” is the new laugh line for a generation.

I thought the sound was cutting out a regular intervals, but the dialogue proves that what’s really happening is the desecration of a Casio.

This thing is the exact opposite of a Friday the 13th Movie–the hero and heroine are ALWAYS making out, making them invincible to the rednecks efforts to (now it’s) kidnap computer girl.

At last, the rednecks complete a task, kidnapping computer girl. Now it is time for…TWISTER’S REVENGE! Twister has begun talking and now I guess Twister is going to…jump over them?

The cowboy, at Twister’s behest, goes to a biker bar that looks like Applebee’s. Just slap a stormtrooper helmet on one of the waiters and you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference. OOOO YEAH TWISTER RUNS OVER A CAR OUTSIDE THE BAR! Show ‘em who’s boss there, Cujo!

Okay, Applebee’s doesn’t have fat singing strippers. Do they? People in the audience grooving and wearing gas masks and hoodies? Is this an 80s I.R.S. film?

Forty one minutes. The talking monster truck is padding things well.

Wow. Lamest fake knockout in ages. Cowboy clanks the barrel of the gun gingerly on the stormtrooper helmet and they leave the live clank in instead of trying a little foley. I’ve seen faster falls in quicksand.

Cowboy just called the talking monster truck an idiot. He better hope he’s not sitting in a junked Chrysler anytime soon. Cause if he does…crunch!

A redneck woman asks the chickens how she looks.

BENNY HILL CHASE!!!! Undercranked running with lots of hopping, quick piano, and it’s gone as soon as it starts.

Wow, you can see this movie too! Ain’tcha thrilled?

It’s that 80s action staple, the M72 LAW rocket! Woohaw!

I’ve got it! I’m confused by the movie because it isn’t in Spanish! This theory even covers all the bad mustaches!

Aaaaaand a tank. We’re about to solve one of those monkey vs eagle kind of arguments now.

Ooo, serious unauthorized use of Donald Duck.

Monster truck crushes above-ground pool!

Awww, no battle? The last image is Bear’s sex-starved wife still running…somewhere? I get the feeling that they used every frame they shot of this thing short of catching them on the phone with the film’s backers trying to get the cash for the blowing up a redneck hovel scene.

I am now 89 minutes older.